Have you ever felt broken, like you couldn't go on, even if you tried?
Have you ever felt broken from your past, defined by your pain?
You may feel or have felt broken, but I promise you, you're not.
Underneath the shattered pieces of your spirit, remains your true essence. There lies you, your soul, your beauty, your love. That can't be broken.
But what can feel broken is your heart, your perspective of how you see yourself, and your ability to give and receive love.
When pain is inflicted upon us, and when we have experienced trauma and years of neglect from self, and others, we can be left feeling numb to the world and or highly sensitive to our environments.
When we choose, however, to see ourselves as not broken and gather the strength to pick up the pieces and mend our own hearts, we soon discover what remained was the perfect essence of who we are. That is Love.
I experienced different forms of abuse in past relationships and I felt lost, broken and torn apart at the heart. But something in me always persevered. Something kept saying, you're going to be okay. This isn't it, it gets better, I promise. That voice was heard during a time when I had been pushed through a pane of window glass that was leaning against a wall by my ex boyfriend. I remember him cleaning the blood from my back with a cloth and I thought, 'that's so nice of him, he does care'. But even during the time when broken glass was being removed from my wounds, I was not broken. I was still me. What was broken was my perception of what healthy love was and, I will tell you, I never felt more alone in my life.
I followed that voice, the voice that reassured me of better things to come when I just couldn't see the light. The moments when I could barely catch my breath after the pain had taken hold of my mind, my body, my heart.
Inside, I was always whole. I was always me. But my external experiences sometimes left me feeling like this was it, and so I perceived myself as broken, lost and utterly alone.
But you can't break what you are born with. And that is Love. That is your gift at birth. And love is the essence of who you are, at the core of your being, in the seams of your soul.
It's a matter of digging deep and excavating your own soul. It's removing years of stored emotional pain you tucked neatly inside your heart. It's looking beneath all the layers of hurt and under all the masks you wore with a beautiful painted smile.
On a sunny afternoon when you've become tired of the pain, and on the day you decide to surrender to what no longer is, is the day you'll find it. Your unbroken pieces are waiting patiently to be found, and do trust, you'll feel it when you find it.
You'll return to love that day. You'll understand you were never really broken, you were only temporarily separated from your heart.
I wish that day, that moment for anyone who has felt or feels broken. I wish you the sweet rediscovery of who you are, the You that was never really broken.
The you that is Love.
“You were merely wishing for the end of pain, the monster said. Your own pain. An end to how it isolated you. It is the most human wish of all.”
~ Patrick Ness
Vanessa Marie Dewsbury